Cold Christmas Nights

Sigh. I miss him terribly. In the previous years, he would still text or call me on Christmas Eve to wish me a Merry Christmas. But I guess we really have to be careful this year, what with Melissa knowing my mobile number now.

I'm trying to keep busy though, spending quality time with my family (and spending quite a lot of moolah in the process), meeting up with friends, cleaning my pad, reading, and exercising. It doesn't help that work is light at the office and my girlfriends are all busy with their own loved ones. I can't blame them but time is heavy on my hands. Just last night, I had enough time to complete a lap dance routine to surprise him with when he comes back. Maybe I'll go shopping later for sexy costumes for a private show.

Christmas Blues

This week has been the busiest as far as my social calendar is concerned. I was able to have dinner with my former boss, party with my Section, sang my heart out with my amigas from my former company, and today, gave gifts to the children of my department-mates. Tonight, I might be meeting up with the gang from high school. Still, without David, the holiday is not complete. That's how it is, even if we never ever had a holiday together.

Despite our agreement that we won't be communicating till next year, he called me four times this week. Thrice to tell me that he misses me and to make sure that I was "behaving" myself... And once to tell me that his wife found out about us again. He was on his way home and couldn't talk much, but from what I gathered, his wife looked into his old mobile phone last night and found old text messages where he called me "honey". Yep, he wasn't able to delete them all. He's thinking that she would call or text me using his phone and warned me not to answer his calls from this moment on. Then he wished me a Merry Christmas.

How's that for a greeting? After his call, I got lonelier. I'll need all the friends that I could meet during the colder days ahead.

Un-In-Laws

I spent the better part of my Sunday, and after-office hours yesterday, trying to look for the perfect cardigan for David's mom. Now, my honey is a mama's boy, being the youngest son and all, and he said that since his mom is "lamigin", so a sweater or a jacket would be his Christmas gift to her.

"Why not get her a cardigan?" I suggested. "It's light and button-up, and we can find a nice conservative one for her." So we combed two malls last Saturday, looking for a cardigan. We found several, but they were either too expensive, too young-looking, too bulky, in the wrong color, or for the wrong gender. (Believe it or not, we found a cardigan that is neither for men or women, but is absolutely perfect for gays. No, it's not drag, it is actually very tasteful, but something only a gay man could give justice to. I guess some designers really go for niches.)

We finally gave up, but knowing that he'll be too busy to shop and giving a gift to his mom meant the world to him, I promised him I'd look for one when I went malling with my family. I was able to buy two kinds (a moss green button up and a lemon yellow belted one) which I liked, and I felt were comfortable and conservative. I'll just tell him to choose which one is more to his mother's taste, or better yet, give both just to spoil her.

I remember last year when it was a cellphone we were looking for for his dad. He wanted one of the cheaper models that is easy to operate (for texting and calling), so I was able to source one for him and got a prepaid sim too.

My girlfriend mentioned the other day that she was discussing with her boyfriend what to get his mom for Christmas, while another friend said that she's doing the shopping for her husband's friends and relatives. I guess I'm doing the same for David, doing the wifely duties without the title, all in secret from the gift-recipient. Most probably, it would be her name on the card "from David and Melissa".

But I guess I have to be content with the fact that he knew it was from my efforts, and since he's lovingly appreciative of it, then that's good enough for me.

Another Cold Christmas

It's funny how we associate cold Christmases to single people, but it's also applicable to me, who is very much a part of a couple. This is the third year that I'll be having a lonely Christmas, and let me tell you that the past Christmases when I was single were a lot warmer and fun than my recent Christmases.

His family's arriving next week, so I won't be seeing him till next year. We've already given each other our Christmas gifts last month, and I've been preparing for this separation for weeks already. I've even scheduled events left and right to get me through the long days and nights ahead. I thought though that we'd still be having this last weekend together, but his work kept him from spending time with me, so I'm sad earlier than I expected I would be.

He's been trying to reassure me that nothing would change between us, but as always, I'm beset with worries that he'll forget me, that he won't miss me, and that he'll realize that he doesn't need me at all.

My Swarovski Must-Havs

I had a dreadful week, healthwise. I had a bad cold, an incubating cough, and a persistent asthma. I still went to the office, of course, but was a regular visitor at the clinic. I went every morning, to get my daily dose of drugs, and it was like plugging an Energizer battery into my body. I worked nonstop, finishing all my deliverables by 3pm, after which my brain shuts off. My body is still awake, but my head wouldn't cooperate. So I just stayed at my post, answering harmless emails (keeping the real ones for the following day), and generally waiting for 5pm to come rolling in. After 5pm, I head straight to the mall to buy two or three Christmas gifts, a Starbucks frappe (yes, I'm trying to complete the blue card for a planner), then head home in time for my medicine intake. And that's where I stay in brainless state (watching Marimar and playing Sims on my laptop) until sleep claims me. But with my medicines and vitamins, I'm up by 5am, and I really mean "up". I manage to get a round of aerobics done and a few household chores before I finally prepare for work, then a brisk walk to Starbucks to get my morning latte, and I'm working at my desk by 630am.

My boyfriend's morning texts usually still finds me in bed, but during that week, I was already halfway through my TO DO list when he greets me a good morning. Knowing that I was sick, he became suspicious that I might be meeting someone else at the office. I had to explain what I was taking and what the effects are, before he finally believed that I wasn't having a rendezvous with Tom or whoever. He was really sweet and made it up to me that weekend.

We watched Beowulf (although I knew that he didn't like movies of that sort) and he let me gush over Neil Gaiman's name during the credits. He went with me to all my favorite stores, letting me try on whatever dress that took my fancy, although he knew that I was just trying them on and was not really planning to buy. He even pointed out some boutiques that I might be interested to check out instead of being a complete male (i.e. allergic to shopping). He treated me to ice cream and coffee, without mentioning my diet even once. Best of all, he wanted to buy a new pair of Geox but I asked him for a pair of Swarovski Havaianas, so he bought me the blue pair I was hankering for, even if he had to forego buying his own shoes. You may be sure I modeled my new flip-flops with pride.

But then again, his indulgence might have something to do with me allowing him to do a dollar-shot on me, even when I told him that I'm not allowing any contact that weekend (in case he gets my cold virus).

Emotional Rollercoaster

The first week of November was an emotional rollercoaster for me.

I was ecstatic when my boyfriend stayed over during the long weekend... but was down in the doldrums every ten minutes or so when his wife wouldn't stop calling. We hardly had time to bond.

One evening, he was extra sweet, asking me what time I was supposed to go home, that I should take care, etc. And then I read a missent text message (supposedly for his wife) sending his love and kisses.

Both instances were such a big blow (my chest ached terribly) that I cried and cried for days. I know what you're going to say. I went into this relationship with both eyes open and I should know that this comes with the territory.

I know, and I agree with that. I even agree that he should love his wife. I have accepted my position and I know where I stand. But acceptance and living it are two different things. I will not complain, nor will I hate his wife, nor him for loving her, but it doesn't mean that I can stop hurting either. I will not be a homebreaker, but nor will I deny my breaking heart.

I Got Pricked

If I needed convincing that I have a perfectly wonderful boyfriend in David, yesterday would have done it hands down. =)

After fulfilling my civic duty at the Barangay elections (I voted for whoever gave me a sample ballot), I went to the office to take care of some urgent emails and to get my phone and blackberry charged. David picked me up at around 2pm for a late lunch and we headed to the nearest mall. We checked out our favorite stores for shoes and jeans first, then proceeded to the top floor where our favorite restaurant was. However, on the way to Claw Daddy, we saw a sign that Pho Hoa would soon have a branch there. Suddenly craving for Vietnamese food, we decided to walk over to the next mall and eat at Pho Hoa instead.

While waiting for our food, we took the chance to update each other on what has been happening at work, at home, with friends, and make tentative plans for the following weekend. The food was satisfying and with nothing else planned for the day, we decided to walk around the mall after lunch. He treated me to an ice cream cone which we ate while checking out bikes and possible gifts for bosses. We checked out speakers again and I have to say that the man couldn't keep his hands off me. While ostensibly checking out flat screen TVs, his fingers would secretly brush against my breasts or waist. Since I lost a few pounds/inches, I was wearing an outfit that is sexier than usual and I assumed that he was just laying claim, making sure other guys would know that I was with him. He already told me beforehand that he was having a headache with the slimmer me because it seemed to him that guys are crawling out of the woodworks again. So to avoid any further complaints, I made sure that I was just right behind him wherever we went.

There was a funny incident at the furniture shop when I asked him how we could buy a bed that is certain not to creak during sex. I asked how it could be possible to test whether a bed creaks but still be wholesome about the testing procedure. The answer came in the form of a very accommodating saleslady who invited us to bounce and test a certain mattress that promises to be "silent in use". We both burst out laughing, and finally he dragged me out of the shop, saying he needed to have me in bed soon. "Can you walk faster, honey?" He asked me as he hailed a cab. I just shook my head with a smile but picked up my pace, getting quite horny as well.

We barely made it to my pad and started the foreplay during our shower. It was supposed to be just a quickie since I promised my family I'd be home for dinner, so after one incredible bout, we both showered and dressed up. He had his shoes already laced when I couldn't keep myself from jumping him, so there I was, straddling him on a kitchen chair, eating my man alive. Our clothes disappeared again and soon we were heavily into bout number two. It took enormous willpower not to initiate bouts three, four and five. But as I said, I had to get home. And home I went, with an enormous smile on my face.

It reminded me of the time when David asked if he could sleep over at my place. "Just sleep, honey, I don't think I'm up for anything else," he said. I figured the guy just needed a bit of pampering given his grueling and endless overtime work so I complied and made sure I was all soft and smelling good for him to cuddle. All I got was complaints for all my efforts. "Honey, your strap is pricking me," he complained. I lowered my strap down so he could still nuzzle my neck without getting pricked. "Honey, your lace is pricking me," he complained, taking his hand away from my crotch -- although he needn't have been pricked if his hand stayed properly where it should. Getting pissed (hey, I was sleepy too), I just stripped down and prepared to sleep in the buff. He was surprised when his wandering hand encountered no obstacle and asked why I was naked. "Because you keep getting pricked," I answered. He rolled over and pinned me to the bed, "Now you're the one who's gonna get pricked."

And I was. =)

Trick or treat with the devils

We celebrated Halloween early at the office. Most brought their kids along to participate in the trick or treat event where each department had a specific fairytale as a theme for their decor. My friend Julie brought along her daughter and left the kid to me for the better part of the morning since she was processing her car plan. We got along well enough - having two nieces and two nephews to take care of would teach anyone how to get along with kids. Her mommy came back in time for lunch and my other friend Harry and I took the chance to roam around and check the decor. Ours was based on Quasimodo's tale and we both agreed that it was a sure winner (after all, our department was the defending champion), although we thought that Aladdin's cave and the Gingerbread House were worthy contenders.

Then we decided to check out the costumes for sale at the nearest mall since he has yet to find a costume for himself. I already have horns for my devil outfit but wished I had a tail to complete the look. We both struck gold at the bookstore where he found a devil's mask, tails for each of us and an axe for him to wield menacingly.

After loafing, he went off to the party venue to help decorate (we were both organizers of our department's impromptu Halloween party) while I decided to wait for Fred, another organizer who was busy with his car plan the same as Julie. In the meantime, I attended a meeting, ate a lollipop, and was generally being productive until Fred texted me that he had his car already and that we should go.

We arrived at the venue an hour before the party officially starts and was able to ransack my boss' home for extra pumpkins and a skeleton for the decoration. We changed outfits at the pool's locker room and admired each other's tails.

It was a good party all in all, good food, good music, and good entertainment, if I say so myself. The staff were delighted with the heads' surprise number which my friend Jay choreographed and I organized. We gathered the heads every lunchbreak and ordered their rusty limbs to dance to hiphop tunes. It turned well enough and was well-received, judging from the staff's shrieks and hollers. I even made a few fans myself, people who weren't aware that I do dance. And that includes Tom.

This is where the story begins. Tom is a good friend of mine, with whom I hang out ever since he started with the company. David is sometimes jealous of him, since Tom and I could hang out together in public unlike he and I. But they're good friends too -- I introduced them at a basketball game where they were teammates, which I attended ostensibly to cheer Tom on but was really waiting for David so we could start on a different ballgame at my pad. Of course, nobody knows that David is my boyfriend, I guess Tom just assumes that I'm friendly with David the same way that I'm friendly to him. But Tom has a girlfriend, and as girlfriends of guy friends go, I liked Katie well enough.

Then office rumor has it that Tom and I are an item. I wasn't aware when it started, but I guess it was going for quite a long time now since some of my friends admitted that they've been hearing it before. I demanded why they didn't correct the impression, they just smiled and shrugged (I'm getting the impression that they liked the idea of me and Tom getting together). Even Tom didn't correct the other guys when they asked us if we were on. I'm flattered since Tom is a very good looking guy on whom I had a slight crush, but I'm not about to make trouble between him and Katie (which would probably brew once Katie gets wind of all the office rumors here), particularly since Tom is just a friend while I have a perfectly wonderful boyfriend in David. But if Tom isn't doing anything about it, I was afraid that if I made any comment on the issue, it would be the case of the lady doth protesteth too much. David says he appreciates the cover, but that I shouldn't get too involved - of course, that increased my anxiety since a calm and reasonable David is usually a David on an investigation mode. My calls would probably be monitored and sneaky questions would be thrown in during conversations so he could gauge whether the rumor is true or not.

In any case, back to the party, I was sitting out the first parts of the dancing - trying to catch my breath after the performance - when Tom insisted that I stay by his side while he drank beer and bonded with the male population of the department. I declined as these are the same guys who kept asking us if we were on. Instead, I stayed with my girl friends and danced the night away. But everytime he would pass me by, Tom would touch my arm, my hand, or my back, and say that I'm one heck of a dancer. Of course, I took it in stride, after all, I am one heck of a dancer and I took the compliment as my due. As for the touching part, I'm not squeamish and am also affectionate towards my friends so I didn't think much of it.

But after the party though, he insisted that I join the guys for a post-party beer and that he would bring me home himself. I told him that I already had a ride home with an officemate who lives in a village near mine. But Harry and his friends insisted that Tom be the one to take me home. Having drunk nothing but water all night, my head was clear enough to get the idea that they wanted me to go with Tom, and his holding my hand whenever possible was a good clue. I agreed to go with them to the post-party thing but declined the offer for a ride. At the bar, I also made sure that I stayed a few seats away from him, with the excuse that my asthma might attack if he started smoking. He kept texting me though, even if we were just a few seats apart, making sure that I was okay, blah blah. And so I was able to keep myself and Tom from temptation.

But I'm not a hypocrite to deny that I do wonder how sex with him would be like. I even fantasized about it a few times. I wondered what would have happened if I agreed to that ride. But I'm not curious enough to risk losing David or Katie getting mad at me.

The two kisses goodnight don't count as cheating.

Drought

I'm suffering from dysmenorrhea (I actually had to google the correct spelling, that's how bad it was) since yesterday. I just sat at my post, staring moodily at my computer screen, absently curling pompoms in my lap (I was tasked to do the pompoms for our department's cheerleading competition tomorrow). I couldn't even dance during the practice at lunch. I just wrote down the steps on the whiteboard for them to follow and just sat watching them, itching to join in, but my body felt too heavy and painful to move (particularly my breasts and abdomen).

I texted all this to David, hoping for some sympathy -- but all he texted was "Kulang ka nga siguro sa dilig." And thinking about it, he was right. Ever since we were having regular sex (or spectacular sex at regular intervals), I rarely suffered from cramps, just a few stabs of migraine. But since he was busy this month, and the weekly supply of four sessions dwindled to two, the cramps came back with a vengeance.

"What are you going to do about it?" I demanded, "Aren't you going to water my garden then?" Cursing his boss and his scheduled presentation the following morning, he apologetically declined. Much as he wanted to do some watering, he had to finish his presentation first and had to stay late at the office.

If my boyfriend doesn't get promoted soon, his boss will have to deal with a woman suffering from PMS. That's all I have to say about it.

Two and a Half Inches

In case you've been wondering why I haven't been posting lately, we can all blame our company's server. Oh, I can still go on the internet, it's the internal email that has been shot - thus, we weren't able to work smoothly and I had to firefight and find workarounds to make sure that my team is still able to deliver at least the minimum of our commitments. Now that things are working normally, we had a lot of catching up to do.

What has happened in the past weeks? Well, I went on a 12-day diet. It's actually just a 6-day diet plan but since I bought 2 boxes, I went on it for two weeks. The daily diet consists of two servings of chocolate milk (for breakfast and dinner) and two servings of cookies (for am and pm snacks). Your only real meal for the day is lunch. Let me tell you that I was bitch for the first three days, as I've been comforting myself with food for the past three stressful years, and being able to eat what I want only during lunch tends to make me really mean. I finally quit it this week but I still don't eat breakfast, I don't eat rice at dinner time, I drink a lot of water, and I said goodbye to coffee and soda, so the 2 inches I lost from my waistline during my diet remained lost.

Since I'm organizing a Halloween party for our department, I've also started dancing after lunch and evenings as we've started to practice the dance numbers we were going to present. As I was co-choreographer, I have to dance all numbers to make sure that the other managers have someone to follow in case they forgot the steps. And that lost me a half inch. Yey me!

I still have a long way to go, but I've started fitting into the slacks that previously wouldn't close and my tummy doesn't look too preggy anymore. Actually, I received comments from two people who doesn't know I'm on a diet that I'm getting slimmer. This is all the encouragement I need to keep me from reaching for a cafe mocha or Coke.

I told all this to my boyfriend, and he said "Good for you!". I answered, "Good for me? But I'm doing this for you." He answered that he was hoping that it was for him, but didn't dare assume. The man is learning.

And oh, we've learned other uses for the yoga mat. One time that we were going hard at it, he suddenly stopped and said that everyone on my floor would know what we were doing the way the mattress creaked, I was all for being deadma, but he maneouvered me to my yoga mat and I found my zen there. I fully recommend that you try it.

In case I have squeamish readers, just think of it scientifically. It's just the yoga mat that's between me and the hard floor. And with the firm support at my back, he was able to slide fully into me. We tried other positions and they were all superb. But then again, when you think about it, the yoga mat was indeed designed to support the weirdest positions possible, so what we're doing is probably tame compared to yoga masters.

Ovaries on AWOL

It was a hectic week, but it was proposing to be an even busier weekend. We were requested to render overtime just so there's a support group on hand while sales try to hit their targets at the last minute (fat chance!). So I told my family that I wasn't going home during the weekend and also told my boyfriend of my office commitments.

He was also going to be very busy, he said. They had to finish a report to be presented early monday morning, so his group would work overtime during the weekend. So we just shelved our plans to go shopping together for the next weekend.

Friday night, he called me right after his basketball game. "Should I come over?" he asked. "Honey," I told him, "it would be harder for you to get up in the morning if you stayed with me." I knew he sleeps better at my place, and if I let him, he might not report for work at all. Hating my inborn sense of responsibility, I declined. "What food do you have there?" he asked. "There's no food here, hon," I replied, mentally making a note to myself to bring the pizza, chicken, and sausage rolls to the office instead so I can feed my staff. "Do you still have your period?" he asked. "Yes! It's still on the heavy side," I said cheerfully, lying through my teeth since I had my last day yesterday. He laughed, seeing through all my lies, but accepted defeat. He said he'll just drop by the following night.

I missed him, of course. I hate spending Friday nights alone in bed, but I comforted myself with the thought of shopping. Saturday morning, I cleaned the pad, delivered the pizza to my hardworking staff, and left for the mall to go shopping. I got a heater installed for my shower, an ironing board (for David, not for me, since he's the one who knows household chores), a doorbell, some groceries, toys for my nephews, a jacket for my niece, birthday gifts for my goddaughter and former boss, and red havs for my sister. It was past dinnertime when I got back from my shopping and my boyfriend said he'd be later still and he hasn't had dinner yet. As I wasn't feeling hungry, I told him that I'm skipping dinner too and that we'll just have a midnight snack together. I ordered pizza and chicken again, and napped while waiting for him.

He arrived just before midnight, and I prepared his food while he took a warm shower. We snacked on half a pizza, made noisy love (I'm sure all my neighbors heard my shrieks and moans that night, but heck, it had been a long time since the last session), and fell into exhausted sleep.

We woke up at 9am the following morning, and he sleepily made plans to be out of my pad by 10am to do a bit of his laundry before he went to the office again. But one thing led to another, and since we were both naked already, we had sex again - but without a condom. We had no stock left, but since we were already halfway, we went at it bravely. Then afterwards, he reminded me that my pill was due that night and that I make sure I take it. I texted my bestfriend about this later, and she told me not to worry about it too much since it was my safe period anyway, and since I've been on the pill since college, my ovaries must have packed up and left without me knowing it anyway. I'm heartened by this, but I'll still check out a pregnancy kit on the 10th day, just to reassure David.

Anyway, we showered after, since sex is always messy whenever we don't use condoms, for some reason, then had the left-over pizza and chicken for breakfast. Afterwards, he went home and I left to go shopping again. My team already texted me that the job is done, so there's no need for me to report for work anymore. I bought a dress, blouses, and shoes at my favorite stores, and bought several havs for my sisters and shirts for the men. I got some shirts for my boyfriend too for when he suddenly decides to sleep over.

Lugging my purchases home, one of the center staffs saw me and said, "Hindi ka naman galit sa pera, ma'am." And when I bought my fourth pair of shoes, the saleslady said, "Kawawa naman ang boyfriend ni ma'am."

Paying them no mind, I went home and gave my mom some grocery money, which she quickly burned right after the Mass I attended. I guess I got it from her.

Busy Queen Bee

It has been a very very busy week, with meetings and trainings and deadlines to beat, that after the moping I did last weekend, I scarcely had time to think about my boyfriend, much less miss him. (But don't tell him that!)

It's the month-end, so Sales has been bugging my team the entire week, trying to meet their quota. We were also tasked to organize the monthly meeting of the heads of our division. Our team came up with the early Christmas theme (September being the first "ber" month and all) and we decided that a Jingle Bell Rock dance number was in order. So on top of preparing the reports that will be presented in the meeting, we had to forage for christmas ornaments, decorate the conference room, and practice our dance number. It was well worth it though because the participants enjoyed the meeting and told us that the next month's organizers will have a hard time topping this month's event. I had an asthma attack right after the event, but I didn't mind. I loved joining dance numbers. =)

After that, I had a training to attend and it was pretty interesting. The subject was interesting and I met new people from entirely different departments, so I learned more about the company I'm working for. A funny thing though, my seatmate (another manager from my department) suddenly asked me out of the blue: "Do you and David still see each other?"

She used to work on some projects with my boyfriend before he transferred to another group so she knows him. She also saw us once before when we had dinner at a pizza place. We're suspicious that she's one of those people who kept the rumor mill going - at least about me being David's mistress.

It was a good thing that I haven't seen him since Friday last week, because her question made me think long and hard, mentally going over the hours since I last saw my boyfriend. She must have seen the thinking expression on my face, that she answered the question herself: "It must have been a long time since the last time." I just nodded and shrugged.

I told my boyfriend about the conversation when he called me at the office later that night. He just cautioned me to be careful and congratulated me on how I handled the question. "Very good!" he said, chuckling.

He then proceeded to tell me about his visit, his daughter's birthday, and how he had to answer some uncomfortable questions about the gifts (since he has no idea how the toys operated). He was able to sail through it though, distracting them with the pasalubongs we bought. Then he thanked me sweetly for taking care of the stuff for him since he was too busy last week to see to them himself. I just replied that I was glad he enjoyed the trip and that his family enjoyed the gifts.

This reminds me of my text conversation with my best guy friend. He's on a business trip and I asked if he has been behaving himself (he has several GRO girlfriends scattered in the provinces he visits). He said that yes, he was behaving himself and opted to stay in the hotel room rather than go drinking at the bars. He said that he couldn't take his mind off his daughter who just got out of the hospital a couple of days ago. I said that it was a wake-up call to remind him of his priorities. He agreed, saying that his children are his treasure.

I wondered whether that was true for all guys around. Previously, when he comes back to the city after a visit to his family, my boyfriend would be somewhat cold to me for a few weeks before we would resume our relationship. But this time, he was a lot sweeter. I mentioned this to my friend, telling him that David must have appreciated the time I took to make sure his daughter got the the toys she wanted and seeing how she enjoyed them, he was a lot loving towards me. My friend agreed - so I guess the way to a man's heart is through his stomach and through the fruit of his loins.

The Downside

My bestfriend and I are texting the other day. She told me that she reads my blog constantly and is green with envy. She says she wished she stayed a mistress (she's now a model housewife and mother to my beautiful godchild). I would've gloated if I didn't know what's in store for me these days.

Yep, he went home to the province to visit his wife and daughter, and I'm all alone in the city feeling like hell. As usual, we had a row a few days before he left. Imagine, he accused me of having phone sex with somebody else (the guy monitors my calls). I enjoy having phone sex with my boyfriend, but to contemplate doing it with somebody else? Eew. My boyfriend = sex. That's how it was with me. I'm a faithful girlfriend - I may flirt (but it's just my natural self) and I may have crushes on another guy (like the ones you have in highschool), but I am virtually owned (from the tips of my french-pedicured toes to the top of my rebonded hair) by my guy. That's why I hold nothing back during sex, as far as I'm concerned, he could do what he damn well pleased, it's his anyway. Well, anyway, he told me that he's still in the city and already I'm not "behaving", he really couldn't trust me, etc. Of course, I vehemently denied all accusations and told him that he's a "dudero".

My guy has a very jealous nature and he usually picks fights with me on imagined flirtations. Being the understanding girlfriend that I am, I go along with it and just try to reassure him as much as I could that I am very much "behaved". I, on the other hand, have to suffer jealousy silently.

We had our last lovemaking session last Thursday, which we did on the floor (wildly, if I may add). It was fantastic and I have the bruises on my legs to prove it. But after, I couldn't keep from sighing and having my silent jealous fits. Our lovemaking was great, but I couldn't help thinking that great lovemaking is something he'd probably share with his wife too, during the days he'll spend with her. I am sooo jealous and sad and there's absolutely nothing I can't do about it. I can't pick a quarrel with him for being unfaithful, because I have no right.

All I could do is try to keep busy... and try my hardest from thinking that the lips and the hands and the body that brought me to the heights of passion is doing the very same to another woman - and it's the right thing for him to do, in heaven and the world's eyes.

Mamaw - Again

Since I was not able to go to my dealer immersion last Tuesday, the training team agreed to reschedule it. Knowing the reason why I was not able to go the last time (my Angelina lips), my staff reminded me not to eat anything at dinner to make sure my allergies won't pop up again. I heeded their advice.

When I woke up that morning, I was Angelina again. I decided to push through with the immersion trip, regardless of what I looked like (although I prayed that it wouldn't get any worse). When I told my friend about it, we both decided that I was probably allergic to the immersion trip itself.

Anyway, I had a good time meeting the dealers and retailers and found the trip quite informative. Surely beats spending the day at the office and dealing with the same problems day in and day out. It felt productive, since I learned a lot about sales, but not stressful, because it did not have anything to do with the channels my team usually services.

I was glad when it was over though, not because of the trip itself, but because my face started sprouting polka dots. Sigh.

Birthday Gifts

As I mentioned previously, it was my boyfriend's daughter's birthday this coming Sunday and she wished for a toy cash register. My boyfriend didn't have time to shop, so I volunteered to buy the gift for him. After all, I spend more time around kids and was well aware of what they'd like. He told me before that she was turning 4, so I at least have an idea of what characters would best suit her.

I found a cute Powerpuff toy cash register with all the works and happy with that purchase, I went a little crazy and proceeded to buy a toy CD player (because if she's anything like her dad, she'd love music and dancing too), a Blues Clues book and some school accessories (since she started school this year), and some hair accessories. I had the gifts wrapped separately, since kids enjoyed opening a lot of presents, whatever it was inside, judging from the four kids I've raised so far.

When I got home, I told him about my purchases and he chided me that it was too much, that he was embarassed for my sake. After all, I told him once before that I hate it whenever he mentions either his wife or his daughter because I feel like my nose is being rubbed in the reality of he'll never be mine. And now I was the one who went shopping for his daughter. Oddly enough, it was an errand I didn't mind. And thinking about it, I guess it was my way of making it up to her for trying to steal her dad. He does spend more time with me than with his family, and perhaps, deep inside, I was trying to balance my morals scales, however skewed it was.

You've Got The Look Alike

As I said, I was not able to buy a gift for my sister - a specific pair of Brazilian flip-flops - so we spent Sunday at the mall, so she could pick it out herself and I would just pay for it. That done, we had lunch at Pancake House and came up with the idea of having dinner at Pancake House with the rest of the family to celebrate her birthday in advance.

So right after church, my brother arrived with his family and we all went to the restaurant to have dinner, carefully avoiding whatever we ordered during lunch. =) But it was a lot busier with all of the kids present and I did my aunt duty - well, I had to do my aunt duty since the kids seem to be drawn to me like pins to a magnet. It was worth it though, when a baby boy told me, "Ninang, you look like Katrina Halili." It may just be the headband I was wearing, since Katrina usually sports those in her telenovela, but what the heck, it has been noted everywhere that kids don't lie. =)

Chained

Last weekend, my boyfriend stayed at my pad as was our routine. But by the time that he arrived, I was really too drowsy to take care of him, despite his whines ("Honey, what food do we have?", "Honey, I'm kinda hungry."). Normally, I would be bustling around the kitchen to prepare his food, making him feel like a king (which is exactly what a mistress does anyway), but the antihistamines got the better of me. He told me that he'll take a shower while I nap for bit. I just told him to wake me up after his shower so I can prepare his food.

When I woke up, it was 6 in the morning and my boyfriend was firmly wrapped around me, snoring peacefully. Apparently, he decided not to wake me up and I wondered whether he heated up the food by himself or if the poor dear did not have his snack after all. He woke up a little later and told me that I was sleeping so deeply he decided to forego his snack - and hoped to have a smaller tummy for his good deed. He asked what our plans for the day were and I told him I wanted to go malling in the afternoon to look for a gift for my sister. He said that he'll need to go out to pay his electricity bill, but that he'll come back to the condo and go with me to the mall.

Our plans finalized, I went out to retrieve his shirt from the laundromat while he took his shower. He was horny after his shower and started pawing me, but I told him to get a move on or he wouldn't be able to pay his bills. This was of course against my own wishes, as I was quite horny myself - we haven't had sex since Thursday night! - but I told him to hurry back so we could finally get some action.

Bills paid and lust twice satisfied, we went to the mall. I bought him a silver bracelet to replace the one he broke when he played basketball last summer and he kept me laughing while he struck different poses to model his new accessory the entire time we were at the mall. We also stopped by different appliance stores to check out home theaters and speakers and subwoofers since we were planning to buy one for the condo. We dropped by the bookstores for him to check out home improvement books to get ideas for his apartment while I bought his favorite mags. When we finally got around to checking out the Chocolate Clothing store, the particular gift I was looking for was out of stock. Bummer. So I just went with him while he did his grocery, then we had dinner at the food court, before he walked me to the bus station. He kidded me on the way, that I was the one who wanted to go malling, but he was the one with all the purchases.

I just wish the bracelet would really chain him to me. But I think it worked the other way around. =(

Mamaw

As soon as I got home, the allergies started. My fingers were itchy, my neck was itchy, my face was itchy, my arms were itchy. It didn't let off the entire weekend and I went back to the office monday morning still sporting rashes.

I scheduled a check-up at the office clinic and was prescribed a new antihistamine. I was also told to keep away from our new pug as he might be the cause of my unrelenting skin asthma. Wanting the agony to end, I took the med right after an early dinner. Within 30 minutes, my eyes were itchy, my nose was running -- and I had Angelina Jolie's lips. It appears that I was not only allergic to the pug, but to Virlix (the antihistamine) as well.

I had to stay home the following day, missing my immersion trip with a third party dealer. Although I was looking forward to the trip, I opted not to show my swollen face in case they decide that my company is managed by mamaws.

It gradually subsided at around 2pm and I was finally able to eat. I was bored out of my mind though, even with my BlackBerry. I watched Marie Antoinette, Mr. Bean, and Deuce Bigelow (European Gigolo). I was contemplating on watching the entire Heroes series, but was distracted by my craving for ChowKing's spicy noodle soup.

My boyfriend didn't want to buy me the spicy soup since the chili might trigger my allergies again. Not having any dinner at all triggered war instead.

Just Another Weekend

My monthly meeting with my mentor did not push through last Friday (she was tired from the training she attended), so I gleefully imparted the news to my boyfriend who was as excited as I am to get the weekend started.

He arrived at the mall ahead of me, so he told me he'd drop by his house first to get some stuff, then meet me later at my pad. It took me quite a while to buy our dinner, and when he texted that he was on his way, I asked him to meet me instead at the mall so we could go home together. He agreed. I cautioned him that I saw some of our friends at the mall and that it would be best if he just waited for me outside. Being the soul of discretion (and cowardice), he suddenly changed plans and went straight to my condo, and told me that he'll just wait for me at the lobby. Very much annoyed, as I was encumbered by my bag, my organizer, my jacket, the Chao fan rice meals, and the pizza, I texted him that I was expecting him to help me with the stuff I was carrying.

When I arrived at the condo's lobby, he was nowhere to be seen. Without any choice, I lugged the stuff upstairs myself. Then I received his text message - he would come for me at the mall. And another - he was at the mall already, where was I? Talk about mixed signals. Finally, after much yapping at each other via mobile phone, he went back to my pad where I was already preparing our dinner, and kissed and made up.

After dinner, we watched TV, prepared for bed, made love, and slept. We woke up quite early for a Saturday and spent the morning cuddling and talking, had sex and a late breakfast, and watched TV while we decided how to spend the afternoon. We were wary of going to the mall since his sister-in-law was in town and staying at the hotel a few blocks away from us. Still undecided, we had sex again and I gave him a full body massage afterwards. With lust out of the way, we were able to decide on having lunch delivered, watching dvd, then windowshopping and dinner before we went home.

We had pasta, chicken and ribs for lunch, watched Blades of Glory, and was able to catch the second half of the NU-FEU UAAP men's basketball game before we prepared to leave. At the mall, he decided to do a little grocery shopping, then we window-shopped for speakers (for his place and for mine - both for his use), and had Japanese fastfood for dinner.

The Best Laid Plans

Since we planned a weekend away from each other, I asked my boyfriend out to dinner last Friday night. It had been a very busy week for my unit and I wanted a good dinner in a good restaurant with a waiter to do all the work. I wanted to pamper myself and spend some quality time with my boyfriend. I planned to eat somewhere near the malls, maybe with a band, and maybe have some coffee after.

Then he texted that it was drizzling and that it was hard to get a ride because of the traffic. Could we meet at the nearby mall instead? There go my plans. I wanted to eat somewhere different, but if it was hard to get a ride, I guess it's prudent to go somewhere near. I agreed and wondered which of the few restaurants would we pick.

I met him at the sports shop and he told me he wasn't hungry yet, could we look around a bit? I was a little miffed already (I had a very tiring day and I wanted to relax) but being the nice girlfriend that I am, I agreed. Half an hour later, he told me that he didn't feel like eating at any of the restaurants, could we just stay at my place and order in? I told him that I haven't done my grocery yet and there's nothing to eat or drink at my place. He said that we could buy drinks now and then have some food delivered.

And so I went to the grocery to buy iced tea, Cokes, water, and juice (and a large bag of potato chips), while he bought extra underwear in the department store. He also went to the grocery and bought apples for dessert. I was waiting for him at the benches when he texted me that we might have to split tricycles since he saw some people from my department who might see us together. At that I stood up and went my own way but he caught up with me and we ended up sharing a tricycle anyway. I was apprehensive since it was still early and there was another badminton challenge that night. A lot of people were bound to be at the courts, which was just a block away from my pad.

We got to my condo safely though but I was still in a huff. I asked him what I should order for dinner and he told me that it was up to me. At that I blew my top and yelled at him, "You tell me what you want to eat, I already told you I wanted to eat at a restaurant, but you wanted to stay here, YOU think." He let me have a few minutes of sobbing while he embraced me, and then told me that MacDonalds would be fine. Since I felt better after weeping, I was able to have two Big Macs delivered and put away the groceries while he lounged on the bed.

We watched Mr. and Mrs. Smith on Star Movies while eating the burgers and argued on whether we saw it together. I told him that we did, and was able to tell him which part we entered the theater and which part we went out. He said that he really couldn't remember and accused me of going with someone else. I told him that he was probably preoccupied with what we were planning to do inside the theater (yes, we used to do a lot of groping in the theater before I consented to have sex with him) that he wasn't aware what film we were watching. He said that he was at least aware of the films although he wasn't able to watch them thoroughly. But when I asked which films we watched during that time, he smiled sheepishly and could not answer. But he challenged me to look it up in my diary if we did indeed watch the Brangelina movie. I told him that he had to trust me in these matters because I'm the professional diary writer of the two of us.

He fell asleep after watching the movie, but I was still awake enough to watch King Kong and Jeopardy after.

We woke up before 7am, the earliest on a Saturday, and we spent the morning just talking and cuddling. He had to go before lunch though, since he needed to reserve a plane ticket for when he goes home for his daughter's birthday. He wanted me to come with him and shoot some hoops again (we dated in an arcade last Christmas, when we went to get his plane tickets) but I declined. I had other plans and much of it went awry already when he suddenly decided to spend the night with me. After his shower, he suddenly got horny, but I wasn't in the mood yet, and anyway, I didn't feel like messing up my sheets as I had my period then. He compromised and made love to my breasts. Yup, just like in the porn films.

Horniness satisfied, he went off, while I prepared to meet my college friend too. We were going to meet after lunch, so I had time to get a pedicure and a good (but lonely) lunch before I hailed a cab. I was half an hour late but Lilac said she didn't mind as she wanted to get a snack anyway. We got another cab and proceeded to the bookfair.

We looked into every booth but the prices were just like those in bookstores. I was able to get Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows and Neil Gaiman's Good Omens. There were a lot more Gaiman books I wanted, but I didn't have enough money, so I contented myself with the knowledge that at least they are available in the bookstores and not so hard to find as I feared.

Our feet exhausted, we decide to quit the bookfair, but were still loath to separate. After a while, we just decided to check the cinemas at the nearest mall. We watched Evan Almighty then had pasta for dinner at Sbarro's (chatting nonstop althroughout the lasagna and ziti) before finally calling it a day.

I guess even if things don't go according to plan, you can still enjoy the time you spend with the people you love.

Rape With Consent

There was one afternoon when my boyfriend and I were watching a movie at my pad when there was a scene where the man was forcing his girlfriend to have sex with him. My boyfriend thought it was pretty pathetic that the man had to rape his own girlfriend. I replied that rape was something he would never experience with me because I was only too willing to make love with him.

Then last Tuesday, I asked him to come over as I was feeling particularly horny. He agreed with alacrity. But when I was getting down to business - giving him a blowjob the way he liked it - I was annoyed that he was still texting. Since he was using his personal phone and it was past 9pm, it could only be you-know-who. I abruptly stopped what I was doing, turned my back on him, and tried to sleep. He protested at that and started kissing and petting me, but I kept pushing him away, turning my head when he tried to kiss me. Although I was getting turned on (because I wasn't kidding when I said that I am always ready to make love with him), I made it hard for him. I didn't want him to stop, but I'm not going to participate. It was rape with consent, if there's such a thing. He had to tear my clothes off and I continued to be unresponsive even when he was inside me. I finally gave in though, when he introduced a new position that really rocked my world. All in all, it was amazing sex.

But after we got our breath back, I told him that I was still miffed. When he asked why, I said that he was already with me, and I was already kissing him, but his mind was still with her. I don't mind him calling or texting her in my presence, but not when we were having sex, thank you very much. He said that he couldn't not text back because she would call if he didn't reply immediately - and that would be a bigger problem if we were already getting it on. I just said that it's what made me lost interest. He laughed when I added that it was a good thing for him that I love sex so much that I only lost interest very temporarily.

I had my period today so I need to tell him that our weekend is off. It doesn't really hinder our sexual activities (my appetite is the same and he's not squeamish), but I thought that one weekend a month away from each other would help. I just use my period as an excuse to have time for myself and keep things at the proper perspective - I was already getting too emotionally dependent on him. For something that is decidedly temporary, this spells trouble, so this was what I decided at the time when we agreed to step back and evaluate our relationship.

Not Another Love Story

Finally, my bestfriend and I were able to firm up our movie date. I asked her to see A Love Story with me since the movie was supposed to be about a man's relationship with his wife and his mistress, and she's one of the very few who knows about my secret life. I thought it might be a movie I could relate to.

We decided to see the last full show and just meet at the mall, since we were coming from opposite directions. She will be coming from Manila with her family (husband, daughter, and nanny) while I will be brought to the mall by my dad. Yeah, I know I live a weird double life. Even my bestfriend's husband commented on it - that I probably tried all the sex tricks possible but my dad still treats me like a 16 year old virgin.

Well anyway, we were all able to see the 9pm show and it fell short of my expectations. In the first place, I'm not really a big fan of local movies, but I guess it got too hyped in my imagination. (A movie about me!) It's good enough as local movies go, but the story certainly didn't pull at my heartstrings. Oh, there were a few lines that felt similar ("sobra, kahit alam ko nang mali") and some scenes were really a mistress' living nightmare (seeing your boyfriend happily malling with his wife). I even remember doing some of the actions myself (saying goodbye and boxing up clothes) but I couldn't really relate as I thought I would. It just comforted me that there are some people who would understand why a woman with means and status would decide to be a mistress. It somehow challenged the stereotype of a mistress who uses sex for money.

So there it was. The movie date over, we repaired to Starbucks for my goddaughter's cheesecake fix and caught up with each others' lives. Even if it wasn't the movie that I expected, the good time I had with my friends certainly was. =)

Wild Sex ... On Nat Geo

I had to work late Friday night as my staff had a lot of catching up to do while I had a budget to dream up. Yes, dream up - since I don't have any basis for the numbers I'm churning out. Anyway, I finally called it quits at past nine, but only because I had two employees competing in a nearby badminton challenge and I promised that I would cheer them on.

And cheer them I did, even if they lost the game. But I was tired and hot and hungry during the walk home (the court was just a block away from my pad) and I wondered what time my boyfriend would arrive. I called him as soon as I arrived home and found out that he was still home, preparing the stuff he was bringing over. I breathed in relief. That means I still have time to order pizza, tidy up the place, and take a bath.

Sure enough, I was cozy in bed (smelling of passion fruit), the pizza and chicken waiting in the fridge, and watching TV when he finally arrived. I made him a cup of coffee and we snuggled while watching Nat Geo. Soon, the cuddles became heavy petting, and soon we were having sex. I don't know what's with him, but I ain't complaining. He had me screaming for mercy long before he finally finished with me. I was so happy and sated that I got up and fixed him a midnight snack. After the pizza and chips and chocolate, I couldn't keep my eyes open, even if I liked watching Vanessa Williams in Dance With Me, and he cuddled me to sleep in amusement.

We woke up at 9 on Saturday morning and had sex for breakfast. Again, I was seeing fireworks and had to beg him for a break since I thought I was going to have an asthma attack. After a five minute breather, he changed condoms and we were at it again. It was so amazing that I still get hot just remembering it.

We spent most of the day in bed, eating, watching dvds and basketball, talking shop and about ourselves, our limbs entwined. We decided to have dinner at our favorite resto at the mall before I went home to the province for the weekend. We were already dressed and ready to go when Nat Geo featured Wild Sex. It's a very interesting documentary and we sat down to finish it, but soon enough, all that wild sex on TV had me kneeling to give him a blow job while we watched. A few minutes later, we were both naked again and doing it in my kitchen and finally finishing it on my bed. When we came up for air, it was already a different feature on TV and I was somewhat relieved to find that the focus was not even remotely connected to sex. Otherwise, I wouldn't be able to stand, much less walk.

It certainly worked up an appetite for dinner and I slept soundly on the bus ride home.

Still Alive and Happy

It's been almost a month since my last blog, but my life wasn't at a standstill during the gap. I guess it was because a lot happened that I haven't had time to sort my thoughts to make it in any way bloggable.

Work:

Well, August is promotion month at our company. Since I just got promoted last year, I wasn't expecting any for my group - who are all composed of newbies. Perhaps next year, some of my staff will be promoted. But my boyfriend was expecting a promotion. This was the reason why we haven't seen much of each other lately. He usually stays late at the office, and understanding girlfriend that I am, I just head home instead of demanding time with him. Actually, there was a time when he decided not to come over even when we agreed to spend time together. He went out with his boss and was too tipsy to go to my place. We had a row then, and agreed to step back and evaluate things since I felt that he was being too selfish. Unfortunately though, his promotion didn't push through - my guess is that their group went beyond the quota of promotees - and now my job is to cheer him on since he lost his zest for work. I really hate his work. First, he had to work hard so that I couldn't spend time with him and we even quarreled because of it. Now, I have to pretend and tell him that working is good to cheer him up from depression. His boss should pay me for managing his emotions. Grr.

On another note, a friend and I started our monthly sessions with our mentor, on how to improve our managing skills. We held it at my pad and it went longer than we expected. But it was enlightening and gave me a direction (at least for the month) on how I could improve.

We've also started planning and budgeting for next year. And although doing this is one giant migraine, I'm somewhat psyched about it. I guess I'm getting tired of justifying expenses that are beyond the current year's budget. I hope I can do better forecasting for next year.

Friends and Family:

I haven't seen my friends (outside work) lately. The last time I saw my highschool friends was when one of them visited from UK. Well, another friend visited from Singapore, but I wasn't able to meet up with him (and I'm still waiting for the chocolates he brought us). I'll probably meet up with my bestfriend this weekend. We wanted to see the latest movie which features a guy with a wife and a mistress. Three guesses on why I wanted to watch the film. =)

When I suddenly had free time, I asked my girlfriend to meet me at the mall. I was sorry I did, because it ended up in a row between her and her boyfriend who was with her at the time. I did not know they were on a date. Sheesh. I quickly apologized and said we could meet next time. Who else could understand quality time better but me?

My family held a surprise baby shower for my sister in law last weekend and we had a great time. She enjoyed the party and the gifts, and I enjoyed spending time with the entire family (complete with all the little ones) even if it proved to be stressful when I had to watch out for the two little boys. We also had our usual sibling rivalry when it was time to entertain the guests. Since my brother achieved a perfect score with his song, I had to do a dance number (of the pole dancing variety) when it was my turn to sing. Of course, they teased me mercilessly since I gained a lot of weight and it showed on my butt, but since I also got a perfect score, I was able to peacefully sit down and heckle the rest of the performers. My sister got a perfect score too but our eldest only got 99 (since she was foolish enough to choose a non-foolproof song like the rest of us did). My dad recorded my performance on his phone and I texted my bestfriend about it. She said that I must be subconsciously letting my family know about my secret life. I told her that my dad would probably accept a stripper for a daughter rather than a mistress.

Lovelife:

Well, as I said, we went through a lot of bumps because of his work, but I think we were able to compromise. As my girlfriend said, it's not quantity of time but the quality. Whenever we could spend time together, whoa! Sex was like you wouldn't believe. And the talking and the eating and the laughing and the cuddling... Life is good.

He's also quite a morale booster in a different way. When I kept getting comments from different people on how I was putting on weight, he told me that they were just envious because I can afford to buy a lot of food and eat in good restos. He told me not to mind them. I was healthy and happy, and he loves me.

Happy Birthday Harry!

It's Harry Potter's birthday yesterday and my officemate's birthday too (whom we'll just call Harry too) - which was actually the theme around which the activities revolved yesterday.

He treated us out to pasta and pizza at TOSH and we gifted him with a shirt and a musical card (which was stressful to prepare, by the way). Food kept coming during the afternoon with one staff treating the department to pancit and pichi-pichi for her despedida, and Harry also treating the department to birthday pancit.

After office, we invited Harry to have a look at the swimming pool at the Podium deck, ostensibly to ask if we would be allowed to use it, but actually his team and his wife was waiting there at the poolside to surprise him with a party. And it was really fun. There was even a magician who entertained us for the better part of an hour, but I left after the show, before the real party (beer and heckling) started.

I shopped for a while before heading home. I decided to get my sister-in-law a gift already for the baby shower we'll be holding for her in a couple of weeks. I just got her some blue baby bottles (we already know that a boy is brewing in there) and a book.

I got home in time for my meds and again had a quiet evening to myself, watching Ice Princess (I do love watching figure skating) on StarMovies and nibbling on a chocolate bar. Tuesdays are supposed to be his nights with me, but my boyfriend opted not to come as he would be working late again. He did call to say goodnight, but hugging a pillow to sleep is definitely not the same.

Survivor

When I said "time out", I meant it. I was really out for a week and was not able to blog till now.

Apparently, I caught the flu virus hanging around the heads of my staff for the past two weeks, and it came down on me with a vengeance. I wondered if my staff secretly hates me. I couldn't get up. I couldn't open my mouth without throwing up. I attempted to talk to an officemate on the phone to resolve an issue and ended up throwing up on the phone. She hung up in a hurry. In the end, my dad had to pick me up and bring me home so someone could look after me.

And yeah, my Florence Nightingale mother, gave me spongebaths, made sure I took all the icky medicine I was supposed to take, poked my armpits with thermometers, and generally mothered me to death for the five days that I was at home. I enjoyed it.

I was able to go to the office yesterday, but it was a quiet day for me as I tried to catch up with a week's worth of work. I opted not to join my girlfriends for dinner just to get everything finished, and I didn't fancy the thought of coughing all over their dinner and coffee. Good girl that I am, I was able to gloat silently to myself (I got a letter confirming that I got a pay raise effective last month), finish all my pending emails, introduce my new staff to the people she'll be working with (who are all based in Mindanao), and was home in time for my medicine.

Since I already ate pasta at the office, I just munched on some chips while watching the Fab Five and texting my friends. My girlfriend had a fun dinner but was worried that her boyfriend disapproved of the late hours. My best guy friend, on the other hand, is contemplating taking home the GRO he met at a bar last night - yes, he's drunk. Prior to that, I was worried that he still has a long way to drive and he was already drunk. I told him that he could stay at my place, which was at least half the journey, even if I was sick. I told him that he's probably sterilized from all types of germs with the amount of alcohol he consumed that night that he wouldn't be affected by my germs. But when he wondered whether he should take the girl home, I gave up on him as a lost cause and bid him a merry good night.

I spent a quiet night, just reading myself to sleep. Except for the few minutes when my boyfriend's call woke me up. It seems that he did not have the keys to his apartment's new gate, and could he spend the night at my place? Of course, I muttered groggily, getting up to dress again as the lobby guards wouldn't let anyone in at 1am. But before I was fully awake, he called back and said his landlord opened the gate for him, and that i should go back to sleep. I stripped back down to my nightclothes and did just that.

Time Out!

I took the day off yesterday.

I was literally bleeding from stress - from both in my career and love life - so I did the best thing I could do to avoid burnout: go back to the old homestead for some real cooking and some parental pampering.

And it helped. I slept most of the day - waking up only for lunch and dinner and some quality time with my niece (reading Harry Potter, watching White Chicks on vcd, cuddling her kitten, and watching America's Next Top Model on cable).

As long as I have this to come home to, I can handle anything. Bring it on! =)

The Great Depression

I should've listened to my angel's prodding and heard Mass first thing in the morning. But no, I opted to burrow in my pillows for another hour. Hence, I was not prepared (emotionally, physically, psychologically, everything-ally) for what happened yesterday.

The first clue was total silence. There's no good morning text from my boyfriend. No cheesy greetings to make me smile as I dressed up for the office. No nothing.

Then, when I arrived at the office, I received various text messages of last minute reminders before our administrative meeting that morning. When we all sat down to commence the hearing, I was surprised that the management lawyer was somewhat softspoken and supportive of the person we were supposed to be grilling. During the previous discussions, I had the impression that there's no mercy to be shown, and yet the meeting lasted for six hours with no final decision.

I experienced cramps then, and I found that I was spotting when I took a bathroom break. I was stressed and anxious about my staff, wanting him gone from my unit to avoid further risks, but I was also feeling sorry for him as he has children to support.

But I comforted myself that I would be able to talk to my boyfriend later that night. As I mentioned before, we were good at talking shop. So I bought pizza for dinner and headed for home.

At 8pm, I wondered if he had to work overtime. I texted him but he didn't reply. By this time, I was also texting my girlfriend about my fears. I mean, he hasn't contacted me since his wife's birthday, he may have been thinking about ending our relationship, etc. -- these are thoughts that plague a mistress' mind. I know my happiness is just borrowed, I do not have any rights, it could end any time...

By 9pm, I was worried that he might have come to some harm. I texted him, but there was still no reply. Earlier at the meeting, there were talks of hold-ups and I was worried sick that someone might have been tempted by his cellphones or something.

At 10pm, I could not stand the suspense any longer and called him. This is something I never ever do unless I knew for a fact that he was home and alone. Just one of those basic mistress rules. But I was so worried I had to break the rule.

He answered, and from the background noise, I knew he was home. "Are you okay? Are you sick?" I demanded. He replied that he was fine. I asked why he did not return my texts. He answered, "What do you think?"

OMG. I was literally bleeding with anxiety and my boyfriend was playing mind games with me. I realized then that he was jealous over something but I did not have the patience to humor him that night. "Do you realize that I was worried sick about you, that you could have been hurt or something?" I hissed into the phone, sobbing with anger and relief. "Yes, I did think of that," he said. "And you let me suffer?"

I was so angry even my asthma did not dare attack me that night. I told him he was childish and cruel and had no respect for me, that I did not deserve to be treated like that. I knew where I stand, damn it, but don't poke my being disposable to my face.

I didn't let him sleep either. I texted him all my hurts, all the anxieties and depression I felt over everything that day, at wee hours of the morning. When he tried to soften me up, I told him that I was not wishing him good night, that I hoped his conscience would keep him awake and that I'd find a witch somewhere to give him nightmares. I was that angry.

My girlfriend asked me what I would do, but I was too mad to think. It would be best if we kept our distance first, while I cooled down. It would be healthier and safer for him.

Monday: the magic ends

Aside from the usual Garfield reaction to Mondays, this was a particularly depressing day for me: it was his wife's birthday.

On "family" days, I make sure I'm a good mistress - I lie low, I don't have any contact with him unless he contacts me, and I make sure my messages are short and unsweet. I know where I stand. In short, it was a very lonely day for me.

I thought I'd call my girlfriend and ask if she's free after work, but it turned out that she was on leave and stayed at home in Bulacan. My dinner date with my highschool friends did not push through either, since our preggy friend had sore eyes and we decided she needed the rest more than the juicy gossip session we planned.

I called my best guy friend in the hopes that he was somewhere in Manila, but it turns out that he was on the road to goodness-knows-where. He called me up, probably sensing my blue mood, and asked what the matter was. I told him why, and in the simplest sentence, he warmed my lonely heart: "I understand."

That's true friendship: no judgment, no fancy preaching. It was just understanding when the other needed comfort. I was glad I had him. I sometimes wonder what might have been - if it had been him and me, and our parents were indeed rooting for the match, but I don't know. I will always love my friend, and we're as close and as open and as affectionate as could be, but not in a romantic sense. I'm sure he feels the same way about me. I could not imagine a different kind of relationship from what we have, and actually, it was what we both need from each other.

I can't wait for the day to end. I know this is just one of the many consequences of my decision to love a married man. It's hell. But when I think about the heaven I feel in his arms, I have no regrets. In the meantime, I just sigh.

A Magical Weekend (the wholesome version)

When I got home on Saturday night, my parents and my sister were out and only my niece and my uncle were home, waiting up dinner for me. We had a quiet evening, just watching TV after dinner and waiting for the others to arrive home... except for the fact that we had to stay by the window because our dog threatened to climb the gate if we weren't nearby to comfort him in case someone was stupid enough to light a firecracker.

I woke up late on Sunday and since I was not able to join my family for the 6am Mass, I hurriedly dressed up so I could attend the 9am Mass. I brought along the book my new spiritual directress loaned me, the one on how to love the Mass. I pored over it while composing myself and waiting for the celebration to start.

The author was a priest of the work and the way he discussed the Mass was very apt for a lay person. He discussed what it really was, how we could make the most of it, and how we really need it. He ended the short book by a quote from JRR Tolkien, unarguably my favorite author of all time and also a Catholic I greatly admire: "Out of the darkness of my life, so much frustrated, I put before you the one great thing to love on earth: the Blessed Sacrament... There you will find romance, glory, honour, fidelity, and the true way of all your loves upon earth, and more than that : Death: by the divine paradox, that which ends life, and demands the surrender of all, and yet by the taste (or foretaste) of which alone can what you seek in your earthly relationships (love, faithfulness, joy) be maintained, or take on that complexion of reality, of eternal endurance, which every man's heart desires."

After thinking about it, one really could not be bored and distracted by anything during the Mass -- you really couldn't help but be involved. Normally I prefer it if there's no choir, but I found myself actually meaning the words I'm mouthing and getting all emotional. It was one Mass I got really into, and I'm looking forward to more.

When I got home, my niece wanted me to watch the making of 300 and I agreed since 300 is one of my favorite movies. All that manly booty, you know. And realizing that everything was a special effect EXCEPT for the booty made me love the movie all the more.

After lunch, my parents went to Baclaran to meet up with someone applying to be our househelper. So there was someone ironing in the laundryroom when I woke up from my afternoon nap. Thank goodness, I really could not afford to have my laundry taken to laundromat, but neither did I relish the thought of having nothing to wear.

That cheered me up quite a bit so I asked my two nieces to accompany me on an errand (to withdraw money to pay for my credit card bills). It was also bonding time for us, so I treated them to pasta and we chatted over cokes and ice cream - keeping each other up to date on crushes and school activities and stuff. These nieces of mine are also my good friends and I try to treat them like a big sister (not much like an aunt, because that seems so stuffy) and give them advice and encouragement.

We spent the evening watching Harry Potter on DVD and hating David Yates for the alterations done on the story. But all in all, it was a very satisfying quality time with my family.

A Magical Weekend

I was supposed to go out with a girlfriend last Friday, but our plans changed when her boyfriend asked to meet up with her. Being the understanding friend that I am (after all, I do it to her too when my boyfriend suddenly wreaks havoc on my schedule), we decided to postpone it so she and her beau could have spend some quality time together. Well... They did spend some time together, watching soap operas on tv in the motel room (and she went home still a virgin), but that's her story to tell - and maybe she would too if she had a blog.

Anyway, I decided to just go grocery shopping and buy dinner for when my boyfriend comes over later. He had a basketball game that night so he'd be coming in late, and I just spent the time tidying up the studio, pampering myself with the home spa kit he gifted me with, and playing Chains and Inspector Parker on my laptop. I was so engrossed in solving murder cases that I was badly startled when he knocked on my door. As was our routine, he plopped down on the bed and looked for something to watch on tv, while I heated up the pizza. We talked about each other's day at work while he idly flipped channels (there was nothing good on tv, and we settled on Nat Geo to enhance our brains). That was one of things I love in our relationship - the fact that we really could talk shop. We were in different departments, so it's not rehashing what we already knew during the day but we also learn about how the other department is doing, and yet we also know the people we talk about, so when we mention names and how this person reacted or what this person did, we can still relate and follow the story. I realized that I had an answer when my mentor asked whether I had a sponge. I do and he was it.

We ate pizza and he asked for some hot chocolate to go with his dinner. He commented that he's becoming a senorito whenever he's at my studio, but I replied that I enjoyed spoiling him anyway. I guess he brings out that nurturing woman in me. Although I'm totally undomesticated, I find that I could and loved preparing food for him (although of course it's just heating and stuff, not real cooking, but still...).

He was really beat, he said, could he nap for just five minutes? Not waiting for an answer though, he embraced me and promptly snored. When he didn't show any signs of waking up, I gingerly disentangled myself from his arms, put away the dishes, brushed my teeth, and snuggled back into bed to sleep. He did wake up at 3am (five hours later, not five minutes, mind you), finished his chocolate, brushed his teeth, and snuggled back into bed with horny intentions. Of course, I was only too ready to comply, so we went at it for an hour before falling in exhausted sleep.

We both woke up five hours (again) later, and I prepared breakfast (coffee and rice cakes) while we watched NBA features. That's another thing he taught me. I've always loved basketball, it's the one sport that I somehow understood the rules and the scores, but I only watched UAAP and PBA. He introduced me to NBA and I realized that it was even more exciting. There were moves there that I haven't seen before and he would patiently teach me the terms while we watched and cheered together.

We made love again after breakfast. Well, actually, I was just idly playing with him while we watched the "deadliest animals in Australia" feature on Nat Geo when it became a full blown BJ then steamy sex in all our favorite positions. I left him spread-eagled on the bed and took a bath. When I got out, he said he'd have a go at my abswing after his bath. He went and had his shower while I watched Entertainment on tv. Posh and Becks were on, and I commented that this is one couple we should base our targets on (our goal was to lose wight by Christmas). He answered that it seems a mite difficult. I said that it doesn't matter, the couple looked sooo good that getting halfway there is already a big improvement.

Anyway, I showed him how to work the abswing and he complained that he couldn't feel it working on his abs. I said that we would probably need to buy all those other stuff on the home shopping network to really get results. He told me to save my money and that we'll probably lose more weight having wild sex than using the sauna belt or solar pants or whatever they were currently advertising. I said that we're better off having sex, wild or otherwise, whether or not we lost any pounds at all. Yup, I guess we're a couple of sex maniacs.

After his impromptu workout, we dressed to go out malling. We planned to have lunch and watch Harry Potter (Order of the Phoenix). He had to go and send GCash to his family, so I left him at the business center while I trudged upstairs to get us tickets. Most were sold-out and the only seats left are those on the front row. I knew he hated sitting in front, but I wanted to see the movie so I reserved the front and center anyway. I just treated him to ribs for lunch to make up for it. Although he didn't enjoy the movie experience, he let me have my way, and smiled when I tried not to sob loudly when Sirius died, holding my hand comfortingly.

I had to go home to my parents after the movie and he saw me off at the bus station. I waved at him through the window and he just shook his head at my antics. Ah, it was wonderful to have a boyfriend!

A Breathless Day

I woke up catching my breath this morning and immediately wondered whether it was due to rain or anxiety or premonition. That's how powerful my asthma was - it can come from anything (a sudden "boo!" from a friend, an oncoming storm, or a scheduled presentation to my boss).

I figured it was the meeting scheduled later that morning that triggered it, so I got up and put the kettle on to boil. I spent few minutes on the abswing while waiting for my hot water, hoping that I would shed a few inches. My boyfriend texted to greet me good morning and I called him, apologizing that I slept last night without waiting for his text that he was safely home. I haven't seen him since Monday - that wonderful, funny Monday - since he was sooo busy with work and I paid my social dues (visit to parents and dinner with friends). I missed him and it was great to hear his voice, even if we only talked for like five minutes and only about the fact that he had to haul water for bath that morning. Ah well.

I got ready to go to work and saw that my work phone had several messages. Apparently, I have to organize a very important, very confidential, and very stressful meeting asap. I realized then that my early morning asthma was a premonitory one.

I hurriedly went to the office, set up the meeting, and prepared my coffee and medicine. Sure enough, we were ten minutes into the meeting and I was wheezing. This time, the asthma is due to anxiety. It didn't let up since then, because that meeting was followed relentlessly by several. I just had cup after cup of brewed coffee, promising myself a pedicure as soon as it clocks 5pm.

The concerns weren't that extraordinary, if you're a working girl like me: a staff due for termination because of fraudulent actions, a report showing your unmet deliverables, project glitches that need resolution, and maybe a staff or two asking for time off due to personal problems. Pretty much all in a day's work.

My friend and former boss asked me last night whether I have a sponge to keep myself sane after a long day. I said I didn't. And that's what triggered this blog. May I continue to keep my sanity.