The End

This will be my last entry for this blog. As of yesterday, I am no longer a mistress. David broke up with me.

The break-up:
I stayed late at the office, cleaning up my office emails and checking out my personal yahoo account. I got several surprises in my yahoo email. A dating group I joined several years ago turned up three prospects. I was flattered of course, but not really serious since I had a perfectly good boyfriend. Nevertheless I answered their mails for the heck of it and one was particularly persistent. When I checked his profile, he graduated from the same university as David and I laughingly commented to a friend that I seem to have a certain appeal to men from that particular region. Anyway, I was preparing to shut down when my landline rang. It was David, sounding really peculiar. I knew it then. Even when he was asking me how my holiday went, I knew why he called.
We always break up everytime he comes back from a holiday with his family, but we always got back together after a few weeks of me tempting him and him breaking down. But I knew that this time, this was IT.
For one, I knew he was due back last Monday. Usually he would let me know when he landed, but this time, two whole days passed before he called.
And another, his problem with his family never really got resolved. Remember that before he left for the holidays, I wrote that he got found out by his wife. It turned out that he wasn’t able to deny that and his wife threatened to tell his mom. Remember also that I wrote that David loved his mom to pieces, so he begged her not to, and promised to put an end to our relationship. (His mom loved the cardigans by the way, but kept them instead of wearing them as we hoped.) His wife kept her silence and David decided that he has to make an effort for his family too. David never texted me a merry Christmas or a happy new year. He told me that he didn’t text anyone because he didn’t feel like it. He didn’t enjoy the holidays nor his long-awaited homecoming.
“Honey, if you could just see their faces, or hear them, you’ll understand why I needed to end us,” he pleaded. “It made you look bad, but you and I know our relationship wasn’t like that. It was beautiful between us, but hearing it from a different angle…I have to do this for you, for my family.”
“Couldn’t you give me at least this one weekend? I promise to let you go then. I missed you so much.” I hated it, but I begged him, weeping all the while, not caring whether anyone in the office heard me or not.
“I miss you too. Really. But honey, I already confessed to the priest.”
I couldn’t go against that. I may be a sinner, but when a person turns back to God, I know how right that decision is. Despite the heartache, hearing this relieved me of my own burden. My own conflict of love and values can now end.
“I’m sorry. I hope you understand why I couldn’t keep away from you before, I’m sorry this happened…I pray that you’ll understand someday.”
I understood. I couldn’t keep away from him either. It was a case of a wonderful love in the wrong circumstances. There was nothing sordid about our relationship. I was calling it like it is (me being a mistress), but he never treated me like I was one. As for what happened to end it, I knew this coming in, but it doesn’t make it any easier to accept. I was losing two people at the same time. My boyfriend and my bestfriend. Ironically, he was the one I needed to get over him. How unfair is that?
He asked that I be the first to put the phone down. “It would be easier for me, if I pretended that you were angry.” But I couldn’t grant him that, I wasn’t angry at him, I was sad. And so damn lonely. But I couldn’t get angry with him. How can you be angry with a person for making the right decision?
My eyes didn’t stop streaming, I couldn’t breathe, but my mind was clear – already adjusting my plans and preparing for the future – even if my heart was still bleeding.

Friends:
I prepared to go home, giving my staff instructions as I went, streaming tears and sobbing and all.
“Tell your supervisor he’ll be my OIC tomorrow. I won’t be coming in. I’m not feeling really good right now.”
At that, he dropped what he was doing. “I’ll walk you to your ride, ma’am,” he told me, clearly concerned with the way I was crying all over the place.
“Oh I’m fine dear, my eyes couldn’t stop crying, but my head is clear, promise.”
He walked me to the tricycle anyway and requested me to text him when I get home.
I did text him, as well as my best boy bud, my bestfriend, and my girlfriend.
My best boy bud was on his way home and told me he would drop by my pad. “Give me 30 minutes, I’ll be there.”
My bestfriend and my girlfriend texted encouragements to me until my boy bud called to tell me that he was downstairs. We spent two hours in his car talking. He listened while I talked, gave me a tissue while I cried, rubbed my back when I got depressed, hugged me when I felt alone. He asked me to go home with him, but I declined, not wanting my family to see my sudden crying bursts. And I wanted to purge my pad – make it more bearable to stay in, to try to lose that “love-nest” feel.

The day after:
I texted him, asking for a forwarding address where I can send his stuff. He called then, suggesting that he drop by on Saturday to pick it up. I declined.
“It’s best that I don’t see you, honey. It’ll just make things harder for us,” I told him. “Can I send it to your office?”
He agreed, apologized again, and rang off. I proceeded to clean the pad, putting his personal effects in a paper bag, crying and sighing alternately. When I was done, I went to the mall, got the shirt I promised him, and went to the bookstore to buy paper for my letter. I bought juice and a sandwich at Starbucks where I wrote him my goodbye letter. I’m afraid some parts of the paper got stained with tears, but mostly, I told him that I agreed with his decision, that I was sorry his family got hurt, but that I do not regret a single minute of our three years together. Putting the letter, my gift and his personal effects in paper bags, I went to the nearest courier and posted it to his office. Afterwards, I whiled away my time in the next mall, buying bracelets with crystals for happiness (amethysts are supposed to do that), and generally just spaced out.
I went back to my pad after a while but stayed near the pool area, reading a paperback, then made plans to meet my staff for dinner, asking him to bring the check I left at the office. We ate at McDonalds and talked about nothing in particular. But then he had to leave for a basketball game and I just gave him instructions for tomorrow, telling him that I would continue my leave and won’t be back till Monday.
I got in the door and promptly wept, missing David like hell. As if on cue, my girlfriend made plans for a water spa visit, while my bestfriend suggested dinner for tomorrow evening. I love my friends.

I’m still on leave tomorrow. I’m planning to do a confession, the last step to finally break free and start healing. And then I’ll go home to my parents, soak up some family togetherness, and meet my friends for dinner. I will live. But in the meantime, I just need to survive tonight.

Cold Christmas Nights

Sigh. I miss him terribly. In the previous years, he would still text or call me on Christmas Eve to wish me a Merry Christmas. But I guess we really have to be careful this year, what with Melissa knowing my mobile number now.

I'm trying to keep busy though, spending quality time with my family (and spending quite a lot of moolah in the process), meeting up with friends, cleaning my pad, reading, and exercising. It doesn't help that work is light at the office and my girlfriends are all busy with their own loved ones. I can't blame them but time is heavy on my hands. Just last night, I had enough time to complete a lap dance routine to surprise him with when he comes back. Maybe I'll go shopping later for sexy costumes for a private show.

Christmas Blues

This week has been the busiest as far as my social calendar is concerned. I was able to have dinner with my former boss, party with my Section, sang my heart out with my amigas from my former company, and today, gave gifts to the children of my department-mates. Tonight, I might be meeting up with the gang from high school. Still, without David, the holiday is not complete. That's how it is, even if we never ever had a holiday together.

Despite our agreement that we won't be communicating till next year, he called me four times this week. Thrice to tell me that he misses me and to make sure that I was "behaving" myself... And once to tell me that his wife found out about us again. He was on his way home and couldn't talk much, but from what I gathered, his wife looked into his old mobile phone last night and found old text messages where he called me "honey". Yep, he wasn't able to delete them all. He's thinking that she would call or text me using his phone and warned me not to answer his calls from this moment on. Then he wished me a Merry Christmas.

How's that for a greeting? After his call, I got lonelier. I'll need all the friends that I could meet during the colder days ahead.

Un-In-Laws

I spent the better part of my Sunday, and after-office hours yesterday, trying to look for the perfect cardigan for David's mom. Now, my honey is a mama's boy, being the youngest son and all, and he said that since his mom is "lamigin", so a sweater or a jacket would be his Christmas gift to her.

"Why not get her a cardigan?" I suggested. "It's light and button-up, and we can find a nice conservative one for her." So we combed two malls last Saturday, looking for a cardigan. We found several, but they were either too expensive, too young-looking, too bulky, in the wrong color, or for the wrong gender. (Believe it or not, we found a cardigan that is neither for men or women, but is absolutely perfect for gays. No, it's not drag, it is actually very tasteful, but something only a gay man could give justice to. I guess some designers really go for niches.)

We finally gave up, but knowing that he'll be too busy to shop and giving a gift to his mom meant the world to him, I promised him I'd look for one when I went malling with my family. I was able to buy two kinds (a moss green button up and a lemon yellow belted one) which I liked, and I felt were comfortable and conservative. I'll just tell him to choose which one is more to his mother's taste, or better yet, give both just to spoil her.

I remember last year when it was a cellphone we were looking for for his dad. He wanted one of the cheaper models that is easy to operate (for texting and calling), so I was able to source one for him and got a prepaid sim too.

My girlfriend mentioned the other day that she was discussing with her boyfriend what to get his mom for Christmas, while another friend said that she's doing the shopping for her husband's friends and relatives. I guess I'm doing the same for David, doing the wifely duties without the title, all in secret from the gift-recipient. Most probably, it would be her name on the card "from David and Melissa".

But I guess I have to be content with the fact that he knew it was from my efforts, and since he's lovingly appreciative of it, then that's good enough for me.

Another Cold Christmas

It's funny how we associate cold Christmases to single people, but it's also applicable to me, who is very much a part of a couple. This is the third year that I'll be having a lonely Christmas, and let me tell you that the past Christmases when I was single were a lot warmer and fun than my recent Christmases.

His family's arriving next week, so I won't be seeing him till next year. We've already given each other our Christmas gifts last month, and I've been preparing for this separation for weeks already. I've even scheduled events left and right to get me through the long days and nights ahead. I thought though that we'd still be having this last weekend together, but his work kept him from spending time with me, so I'm sad earlier than I expected I would be.

He's been trying to reassure me that nothing would change between us, but as always, I'm beset with worries that he'll forget me, that he won't miss me, and that he'll realize that he doesn't need me at all.

My Swarovski Must-Havs

I had a dreadful week, healthwise. I had a bad cold, an incubating cough, and a persistent asthma. I still went to the office, of course, but was a regular visitor at the clinic. I went every morning, to get my daily dose of drugs, and it was like plugging an Energizer battery into my body. I worked nonstop, finishing all my deliverables by 3pm, after which my brain shuts off. My body is still awake, but my head wouldn't cooperate. So I just stayed at my post, answering harmless emails (keeping the real ones for the following day), and generally waiting for 5pm to come rolling in. After 5pm, I head straight to the mall to buy two or three Christmas gifts, a Starbucks frappe (yes, I'm trying to complete the blue card for a planner), then head home in time for my medicine intake. And that's where I stay in brainless state (watching Marimar and playing Sims on my laptop) until sleep claims me. But with my medicines and vitamins, I'm up by 5am, and I really mean "up". I manage to get a round of aerobics done and a few household chores before I finally prepare for work, then a brisk walk to Starbucks to get my morning latte, and I'm working at my desk by 630am.

My boyfriend's morning texts usually still finds me in bed, but during that week, I was already halfway through my TO DO list when he greets me a good morning. Knowing that I was sick, he became suspicious that I might be meeting someone else at the office. I had to explain what I was taking and what the effects are, before he finally believed that I wasn't having a rendezvous with Tom or whoever. He was really sweet and made it up to me that weekend.

We watched Beowulf (although I knew that he didn't like movies of that sort) and he let me gush over Neil Gaiman's name during the credits. He went with me to all my favorite stores, letting me try on whatever dress that took my fancy, although he knew that I was just trying them on and was not really planning to buy. He even pointed out some boutiques that I might be interested to check out instead of being a complete male (i.e. allergic to shopping). He treated me to ice cream and coffee, without mentioning my diet even once. Best of all, he wanted to buy a new pair of Geox but I asked him for a pair of Swarovski Havaianas, so he bought me the blue pair I was hankering for, even if he had to forego buying his own shoes. You may be sure I modeled my new flip-flops with pride.

But then again, his indulgence might have something to do with me allowing him to do a dollar-shot on me, even when I told him that I'm not allowing any contact that weekend (in case he gets my cold virus).

Emotional Rollercoaster

The first week of November was an emotional rollercoaster for me.

I was ecstatic when my boyfriend stayed over during the long weekend... but was down in the doldrums every ten minutes or so when his wife wouldn't stop calling. We hardly had time to bond.

One evening, he was extra sweet, asking me what time I was supposed to go home, that I should take care, etc. And then I read a missent text message (supposedly for his wife) sending his love and kisses.

Both instances were such a big blow (my chest ached terribly) that I cried and cried for days. I know what you're going to say. I went into this relationship with both eyes open and I should know that this comes with the territory.

I know, and I agree with that. I even agree that he should love his wife. I have accepted my position and I know where I stand. But acceptance and living it are two different things. I will not complain, nor will I hate his wife, nor him for loving her, but it doesn't mean that I can stop hurting either. I will not be a homebreaker, but nor will I deny my breaking heart.